Stigmas

There are two stigmas in my life that I know people judge me on and honestly? I don't care.  I'm divorced. I made a stupid decision when I was in my early twenties and now at 26 years old, I am divorced. But it doesn't define me.  When I first made the decision to leave my husband, it seemed the people in my life cared more about how it would look on them.  I was concerned that I was an embarrassment to my family because I made this decision. But it wasn't their life. It was mine. And I was unhappy. I couldn't even fathom how miserable I would be if I stayed in that situation. But divorced is now a stigma that I carry around.  And guess what? I really just don't give a shit.  As they say, sorry I'm not sorry.

The biggest stigma in my life is my severe anxiety.  Anxiety is something that consumes almost every moment of my life.  It's hard to explain when I have spent much of my life trying to hide it from the people I care about.  Yes, they knew that I kind of had anxiety, but I don't think anyone understood the extent I dealt with it.  When I say it consumes every moment of my life, I mean the underlying anxious feeling.  Not the attacks themselves.  When I suffer a panic attack, it's like my whole world is shattering into a thousand pieces. Like I can feel a hand wrapping around my heart and crushing it.  With each staggered breath, I try to gain a grip on what's happening. That it's not a heart attack, that I'm okay and that I need to control my breathing.  But as I feel the salt pouring drop by drop down my cheek, and the gasps of air coming out of my mouth, I realize it's not easy to control.  

People who don't have anxiety, don't understand anxiety.  They think "If something causes you to feel that way then don't think about it." or "You're doing this to yourself." If it was something I could control, you damn well better believe I would control it.  I hate feeling out of control, especially over my own body. A lot of people don't believe in sickness' they can't see, but to them I say that unless you look at the giant scar on my back you can't see the fact that I had two back surgeries - so mind your damn business.  I wish that I could take the stigma off of anxiety.  I wish that I could explain that when my heart starts beating, and my mind starts spinning that I can suddenly make it stop like the wheel in the Price is Right, but I can't.  That doesn't make me crazy.  Having anxiety is not something that I'm going to let control my life, but if not monitored or taken care of, can definitely take over my life.  Think about the x factors: full time job, part time job, graduate student, living on my own, finances that aren't being well financed.  Of course I'm anxious.  My job in taking care of my health is to eliminate the stressors.  I just haven't quite figured out how to do that yet.