Bloviating

I was so angry on Wednesday. It was the first time since my medical issues began that I was actually angry. I had been depressed, frustrated, and hopeless, but this was the first time I felt true anger. After my doctor's appointment I had this long post written that was full of pure red anger. B doesn't have wifi in his apartment so when I write something I need to put it on my USB to upload it. Usually this frustrates me, but I'm glad for it this time. I didn't post it, because while I realize that I'm allowed to feel that anger, it wasn't necessary to post. It was just pure bloviating. Which, I guess in essence, is all blogging really is. 

I was recently reading through one of Bill O'Reilly's books and in it he said that when he dies he would like his tombstone to read "He finally stopped talking." I actually thought this was perfect. My entire life people have been annoyed with how talkative I am and sometimes it's totally understandable. I don't shut up. I have so many thoughts flying around my head that I just try to get them all out and it's been this way since I was a nugget. One of my best friends' father nicknamed me "Gabby" because I went on and on and on. Blogging is a perfect platform to get the thoughts out. 

It's also the perfect place to hold yourself accountable. There was a lot of stuff in my past, with the men I married or dated, that should stay buried there. Sometimes I think it'd be nice for them to be held accountable. But you know what? Every day I move on. I grow stronger. With my medical issues and with coping with my past, I will never give up the strength or courage needed go do that. 

Writing has always been my passion. It's always been that one constant in my life where I feel okay when I'm putting down the words. I find language so beautiful and pure and when words can drip with sarcasm or symbolism? It feels like I'm in control and there's this element of power when I write. Whether I'm writing my blog or working on my novel, no one, not a single person can control what I write. So here I am sitting in a Dunkin Donuts, bloviating away, because I can. Because no one can control my words or thoughts. And it feels so freeing and one of the only times I feel that my anxiety or past doesn't control me.