It's hard when people tell you things about yourself that are negative. Whether it's meant to help or hurt, it's still a difficult pill to swallow. Let's be honest here, we all have pride, and the negative tends to shrink that pride. Recently I learned that certain mannerisms that I have may come across as rude. I don't think before I speak and I believe I use my lack of filter as a defense mechanism. I think I'm being funny, but others may see it as mean, hurtful, or embarrassing and it's never meant to be that way. I tried figuring out how to work on this. How should I fix a part of me that I never knew was an issue? Someone told me to think about the consequences of everything I say before I say it. That's not only filtering what I'm going to say, but predicting whether it is or isn't necessary or appropriate. Such a simple sentence and idea, but it was like a lightbulb in my head went on. If I thought about how what I say will affect an individual, my relationship, or my friendships then I can save myself a lot of heartbreak.
Right now, there is so much about myself that I need to work on. I need to learn to forgive myself; and by that I mean, I need to know that I deserve to be treated well and that I am not toxic. I push people away because I believe I will hurt them or that I'm not good enough, which just isn't the case. There is so much that I can bring to a friendship or relationship. I'm a jealous person and I'd like to thank my past relationships for that. I want to believe in the best in people, but I have a hard time fully trusting, even those who have done no wrong. I am jealous of my brothers, I am jealous of my friends, I'm jealous of girls, and I'm jealous of healthy people. How do I work on this? I guess, I work on being honest with myself and figuring out where the specific jealousy comes from.
Why do I second guess everything? I'm just so scared of getting my heart broken and I don't know if I can put myself through that, so I push away. I'm actually in a healthy, happy relationship, but I'm scared I'm going to ruin it by pushing too hard. So what should I do? Continue to work on myself. Strive to be the best version of myself. Don't let the negative take over the positive. This health situation has honestly gotten the best of me. It has taken me to the lowest place of my life. I've always been happy, anxious, but happy. Now, all I can feel is hopelessness. I'm still sick. I'm not getting better. I'm in pain every single day and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I don't want to be the girl who always complains. So I put on a smile and play through it. There's no answers and it doesn't seem like answers are coming. So I get into my head, and I believe the worst in every situation in my life. How do I stop that from happening? How do I learn to keep my mouth shut? How do I stop believing the worst in people? How do I stop being jealous? How do I stop thinking that my sickness isn't going to end? How do I start being happy again? I feel it, happiness, in bits and pieces. When I'm alone, I get in my head, and that's when I hit issues.
Trust. I need to trust in my boyfriend, in my friends, in my family and most of all in myself. I'm in love with an amazing man. I love my friends. I most certainly love my family. I just need to learn to also be in love with myself so that I stop pushing everything good away.
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