Change

"Reasons like seasons, they constantly change and the seasons of last year like reasons have floated away."

Change is something that I have a hard time dealing with, but I think it's something that I have to learn to embrace. Over the past few days, I feel like I have emotionally been put through the ringer...wringer...ringer? I digress. I wanted to write some pithy post because let's be real, who the fuck cares how sad I am. A lot of my bad qualities have been brought to my attention, and they've been shown to me by the most important people in my life. I wanted to write a letter to my brother telling him off, telling him that I counted on him, but then I realized it wouldn't matter. Because it's not just him, there's at least 3 other people who think the same thing.  I'm a burden. To everyone in my life. Right now anyways. Why would anyone want to have a conversation or spend time with someone who can't do anything but feel sorry for themselves? How fucking annoying would that be? I don't want to be that girl who always complains. Maybe I'll just use this blog as an outlet. I thought family and friends are the people who you vent to when you need to vent. But I guess when all you have is repetitive depressing statements, it gets old fast. Not to mention? They all have shit going on in their lives too. So here I sit, selfishly complaining, being depressed, worrying about myself. Not that I shouldn't worry about myself. But I need to find a way out of this head space. It's not who I am. Not having a job doesn't help. Leaves a lot of room to think of what a worthless piece of shit I am. How disappointing I am. How much of a burden I am. Honestly, I've been trying to think of one good thing about this person I am right now and I just can't. I hear the same old it will get better, things will turn around, blah blah blah. But really, I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I can't see things getting better. Because every time I think things are turning around for the better something else happens to knock me down a peg. 

The only way to not be this person is to change. And I can say that I have no fucking clue how I'm going to do it right now. I'm so stuck in this depression, I feel like it's a damn sink hole. I want to be happy again. I want to make my family, my boyfriend and friends happy but I can't if I stay this person. Every day I just go through the motions trying to make it through the day. Get up, go to the doctors, do homework, clean, watch TV, read, go to bed. What is the point of existing if you can't do anything with your life? I need a serious attitude adjustment because depressed just isn't who I am. I'm thinking if I start small and make daily goals then the productivity might make me feel like I've at least done something with my life. I'm really not sure where to go from here, but I do know I'm done talking about it anywhere but here. This is my space where I can say whatever the hell I want and if you don't like it or it annoys you? Then don't read it. Simple. As. That. Maybe this will be my happy medium, my outlet for the physical and mental pain. I'm just not sure that there are words that even express the depths of how I feel. 

I do know that the free time has me thinking a lot about the novel that I'm working on. I've started jotting down ideas as I think of them. Names are always my favorite part about writing a story. I love inventing a character. They become this person that I want. Something crafted entirely from my mind. My words give life to essentially what is just these names on paper or rather Microsoft Word. These characters can look how I want them to, behave how I want them to, have the careers and love lives that I want them to. Everything in my story is mine and how I envision it. I've been thinking of chapters and different scenarios, and I have about 1,000 different directions to take the novel. But the good thing about that? It means that I'm working on it. I'm not letting it sit on my desktop untouched because I'm too busy or too tired. I guess there is one positive thing that has happened from being laid off.