Hope

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.." - Hope Floats

Hope is one of those funny key words that people like to throw at you.  "All you can do is hope things get better" "I have hope that you will get this figured out" "Life is just throwing you a curve ball, but have hope".  It's basically become interchangeable with faith.  Everyone always says to have faith.  I have a hard time overcoming the demons in my own head, but there's always a battle because I know there are far worse out there than me.  Yet, I can't help but be selfish and wonder when my story is going to stop, for lack of a better word, sucking. When will things finally go right? Just when I started to have my life figured out, everything happened, and it's like I took 18 steps backwards. All I want to do is move forward and I'm stuck in neutral.

I have this problem where I push anything good in my life away. Like I'm afraid it will get them sucked into the vortex of my baggage or my misery.  When I find good people, I don't want to hurt them, so I push them away.  Which makes absolutely no sense because I need those good people to help write a new ending to my story.  I'm also notorious for making bad decisions and I'm a good person, with a big heart, and I can't figure out why I make those decisions. Maybe it's because I put so much trust in everyone that I meet, and then I realize that trust isn't deserved, but it's too late.  I always believe in the good in people, no matter how poorly they treat me, and maybe that makes me a push over, but I think it means that I'm compassionate. That my heart wants to believe that everyone is a good person. I know realistically this isn't true. I've met and dealt with my share of monsters. People who took my trust and didn't just break it but shattered it. People who took advantage of me, both emotionally and physically, but I didn't let them break me. 

So with all the shit that I've gone through in my past, why can't I find that "hope" to get through this time in my life? Why am I so much in my head that I'm ruining perfectly good friendships, relationships and hurting everyone I care about? Why am I being so selfish? I guess the easy answer is I'm scared. I'm scared of what's wrong with me. I'm scared of losing the good people in my life so I push. I know it's something that I need to work on, but I guess maybe, if I give hope a chance then I can start thinking positively and change my own life. I don't need to let any one moment define who I am.  My past is no longer who I am, my future hasn't happened, so the only thing I can do is live in the present and accept that things take time.

Side Note: I never edit my posts because I want the emotion to come straight from how I feel and I don't want to start re-working my feelings. So if you see any grammatical or spelling issues, just deal with it. K thanks :)