Hell Bent

I have a lot on my mind. Many different things. Lately, I just haven't been myself. I started feeling a bit better yesterday and today my mood is still semi-happy. I'm missing someone terribly right now, so I'm not going to say things are perfect. Honestly, I don't know what changed. Maybe writing that post about needing to change, altered my perception and I just started thinking positively again? I somehow found myself a part-time job as a server at a great restaurant where two of my friends work. I was praying for answers and the job sort of fell on my lap, so I guess there was my answer. However, I do see things turning around for the better. I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again. Medically, I'm still a mess, but this job will let me work around my doctor's appointments so I feel like eventually they'll figure out what's wrong with me. I'm seeing a therapist weekly and being able to talk to someone who is completely unbiased is nice. I've been thinking a lot about my novel and the direction I want it to take. Now I just need to sit down and write. School, I believe is going well. No grades on any of my assignments yet, but I feel myself slowly improving with my work product. I'm very excited because this is the first time since being discharged from the hospital that I've actually started to feel a little bit like myself. I've even began to look into working as a freelance writer because writing is what I love to do. The great thing about writing is that you can do it anywhere. I don't have to be tied down to a specific city or even state. I love the freedom that comes with the job, but it's just a difficult job to actually earn an income. I would love to write for a newspaper, or blog content for companies, and obviously I would love to write my own novel. I'm hoping to slowly start saving money and travel to Paris for a month to just write. Silly isn't it? That's my dream. I just want to go to Paris and write. It's hard to get something or someone out of your mind, especially when you're mind moves as fast as mine. Little things keep me up all night. Wondering, hoping, praying. I'm missing someone terribly. I'm making progress in my life. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself, I stopped complaining about the pain that I'm constantly in, and I've stopped acting like a selfish, spoiled brat. I guess it's human nature to be so consumed with your own problems that you forget about everyone else's, but I don't want to be that friend or that girl. I want my friends, family and anyone really to know they can count on me for support and to listen. I don't want to be the girl that always complains or that people need to tiptoe around. I've really been working on myself these past few weeks and I'm slowly starting to see the progress. Everything takes time, but you just have to look at the bigger picture. I don't know why I was stuck in such a rut, don't get me wrong, I'm still sad, but I'm choosing happiness. You only get one life and I want to live it right.

I'm sitting here watching The West Wing, which always inspires me. It inspires me in many different ways. Sometimes, I want to work for the White House Press Corp., sometimes I want to go back to law school, and sometimes I want to move to D.C. and work in politics. But it never makes me feel bad about myself. I don't feel guilty spending my Saturday night in watching it through from beginning to end even though I've seen the entire series FIVE times. I love watching it because it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, and most of all it inspires me to want to work harder, do better, focus my energy on something good and mostly focus it on something I can be proud of. I may not be the best writer, and I know that I have about a million grammatical errors per blog post (bite me) but I do know that I write from my heart, I write with honesty and I write with passion. I want to be the person that little 6 year old Kelly wanted to be when she grew up. And I'm hell bent on getting there.